FOR ONCE I'M THANKFUL I'M LEAVING IN A MONTH,
AT LEAST THEN MY INADEQUACIES WILL NO LONGER MATTER
AT LEAST THEN,
YOU'LL GET RID OF ME
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Confessions to my boyos 3
The junior
You deserve a mention, not because I loved you as much the one before or the ones after but because you loved me. Just when I was getting rid of the phantom pangs of the last, trying finally to construct a fully functional me I ran into you.
It was heart-warming really that when I behaved (finally) like myself, you found me likable. You were one of the first ever (outside my loyal set of friends) who actually asked, "you don't have a boyfriend???" in that surprised tone that made me smile. You gave me enough compliments to help me gain my self confidence. This time my self confidence was mine and mine alone never to be shattered again by some boy. You gave it the approval that I craved. We got along well... extremely so.
I didn't really realize how much you liked me until that night by the bonfire when I told you I was in the 11th. You were suddenly horrified and disappointed and (dare I say) heartbroken and it showed on your face. You were two years younger than me and even though age doesn't matter when you're older, in the school, the age we were those two years could might as well be decades. Honestly, I never felt that age difference until we discussed school and such, you always made me feel younger than you. But the situation was how it was and you were never expressed any "feelings" after that, but it didn't change them.
The last day at camp, the last night... when we all sat together trying to come up with some brilliant plan. In the middle or all that brainstorming and teasing Arjun and yelling at the girls, I suddenly realised how I was seated. I was comfortably leaning against your arm, heads inches away from your shoulder, sitting next to you on the rock and I was comfortable. Any one who knows about my slight fear of male contact knows that I would normally not end up in such a situation until I knew the guy for over a couple months. I had only known you a week and I trusted you. Later that night when you told me to stop crying cause I looked funny, I couldn't help but noticing the caring look on your face. When I literally fed you dinner while you guys practiced lines and I directed, our friends teased us mercilessly. Your friends knew and the next day at the station they all called me bhabhi until I enquired why and you picked a fight.
Despite what happened later, how reality finally drove us apart, how the conversations became awkward and how I avoided you in the corridors, how you confessed much much later that you had a crush on me, and how that confession crumbled into dust, meaningless by then, how I eventually graduated and we moved on. Despite how it quietly hit dust. For one glorious week (it seems so small but it was so long then) for one glorious week, we had something special. Something that still makes us smile when we see each other, something that still makes me laugh at the memories, something that still makes me worry occasionally for you because you're so accident prone, something that still makes you message me now and then, something that made me stand longingly at my class windows for months after we returned. We had something good.
I'll miss you, in a good, "it was nice when it lasted", non-depressing way which is what I can't say for many of the others. With you, I have no regrets other than that two year age gap... that neither of us could bridge.
You deserve a mention, not because I loved you as much the one before or the ones after but because you loved me. Just when I was getting rid of the phantom pangs of the last, trying finally to construct a fully functional me I ran into you.
It was heart-warming really that when I behaved (finally) like myself, you found me likable. You were one of the first ever (outside my loyal set of friends) who actually asked, "you don't have a boyfriend???" in that surprised tone that made me smile. You gave me enough compliments to help me gain my self confidence. This time my self confidence was mine and mine alone never to be shattered again by some boy. You gave it the approval that I craved. We got along well... extremely so.
I didn't really realize how much you liked me until that night by the bonfire when I told you I was in the 11th. You were suddenly horrified and disappointed and (dare I say) heartbroken and it showed on your face. You were two years younger than me and even though age doesn't matter when you're older, in the school, the age we were those two years could might as well be decades. Honestly, I never felt that age difference until we discussed school and such, you always made me feel younger than you. But the situation was how it was and you were never expressed any "feelings" after that, but it didn't change them.
The last day at camp, the last night... when we all sat together trying to come up with some brilliant plan. In the middle or all that brainstorming and teasing Arjun and yelling at the girls, I suddenly realised how I was seated. I was comfortably leaning against your arm, heads inches away from your shoulder, sitting next to you on the rock and I was comfortable. Any one who knows about my slight fear of male contact knows that I would normally not end up in such a situation until I knew the guy for over a couple months. I had only known you a week and I trusted you. Later that night when you told me to stop crying cause I looked funny, I couldn't help but noticing the caring look on your face. When I literally fed you dinner while you guys practiced lines and I directed, our friends teased us mercilessly. Your friends knew and the next day at the station they all called me bhabhi until I enquired why and you picked a fight.
Despite what happened later, how reality finally drove us apart, how the conversations became awkward and how I avoided you in the corridors, how you confessed much much later that you had a crush on me, and how that confession crumbled into dust, meaningless by then, how I eventually graduated and we moved on. Despite how it quietly hit dust. For one glorious week (it seems so small but it was so long then) for one glorious week, we had something special. Something that still makes us smile when we see each other, something that still makes me laugh at the memories, something that still makes me worry occasionally for you because you're so accident prone, something that still makes you message me now and then, something that made me stand longingly at my class windows for months after we returned. We had something good.
I'll miss you, in a good, "it was nice when it lasted", non-depressing way which is what I can't say for many of the others. With you, I have no regrets other than that two year age gap... that neither of us could bridge.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Confessions to my boyos 2
You were the jerk. I was so annoyed with myself for my last choice that I actually prayed to fall for someone else, anybody else. One thing I learned from that was that desperation gets you in big trouble.
And yet you were the first guy I fell in love with for reasons you'll never geuss, you saved my life. Yes, you literally saved my life.
Back when I still believed in the goodness of you and in the "happily ever after" dream, you managed to give me reason to live. And just before that event changed me, before I became this 'over mature' girl from the 8 yr old that lived inside, before I got up the next morning to start the world anew, I fell in love.
My friends still argue it can't be love, because it wasn't returned. I remind them of the word, "unrequited" I know for sure, now more than ever, the feeling ran too deep for it to be anything else.
But I've skipped the beginning... Years ago, I saw you across the jeep, both of us strangely the only ones awake and suddenly, I couldn't stop following you with my eyes. We were in the same group and crushing on you was so easy. When you held my hand in a game once, I blushed inwardly. On the outside, I was the tough girl, my tomboyishness was getting born, the blunt manners were forming and I was on the practice grounds. I passed my diary around for everyone's email ids and was so pleased you'd written in it as well.
Weeks later, back home, one day you replied. That began a correspondence that still belies my naiviety. I still wonder why you replied, I sounded so naive, I would laugh at myself now. Then you suddenly dissapeared. You returned three months later, and then the chatting began. Then for the first time I found out you had a girlfriend, logically that should have stopped everything, but as I said, I was naive, I hoped.
One day after hour long convos, one day starting a legendary three hour convo, you saved me. Of course, that was also the day I finally understood that you would never be mine, but the torch still burned. The next day, Kita told me you were a jerk who I should stop thinking about. I found a best friend in her that day, and the same night the realisation struck me that I was in too deep. I was in love.
I went on to waste two more years on you, your inattention wearing my self-confidence away from the inside. I had little respect left for myself and almost no interest in boys. Its not really your fault. What was your fault was that even when I was glaringly apparent, you made no move to stop me. You made me run after 'the love of your life', convincing her to be with you, beacuse I couldn't bear to see you in pain. What was your fault I realy understood through somebody who did know you later. You were a player, used me and several others. I'm only grateful now that I never met you personally, lord knows whatelse I would have lost to you then. We even had a mutual friend, remember, the one who told me what you really thought of me.
The sad part is I never got free until the one after you showed up.
What makes you a right jerk, is that you've come back and forgotten who I was to you, or rather what I look like because you flirt shamelessly. You don't remeber me properly, your supposed "best camp friend".
You made me grow up, fast. I'm tentatively grateful. There is this life that you returned me to, for that a million thanks. But enough is enough, you are not a past I'll ever remember fondly, to you, from now till eternity, Goodbye.
And yet you were the first guy I fell in love with for reasons you'll never geuss, you saved my life. Yes, you literally saved my life.
Back when I still believed in the goodness of you and in the "happily ever after" dream, you managed to give me reason to live. And just before that event changed me, before I became this 'over mature' girl from the 8 yr old that lived inside, before I got up the next morning to start the world anew, I fell in love.
My friends still argue it can't be love, because it wasn't returned. I remind them of the word, "unrequited" I know for sure, now more than ever, the feeling ran too deep for it to be anything else.
But I've skipped the beginning... Years ago, I saw you across the jeep, both of us strangely the only ones awake and suddenly, I couldn't stop following you with my eyes. We were in the same group and crushing on you was so easy. When you held my hand in a game once, I blushed inwardly. On the outside, I was the tough girl, my tomboyishness was getting born, the blunt manners were forming and I was on the practice grounds. I passed my diary around for everyone's email ids and was so pleased you'd written in it as well.
Weeks later, back home, one day you replied. That began a correspondence that still belies my naiviety. I still wonder why you replied, I sounded so naive, I would laugh at myself now. Then you suddenly dissapeared. You returned three months later, and then the chatting began. Then for the first time I found out you had a girlfriend, logically that should have stopped everything, but as I said, I was naive, I hoped.
One day after hour long convos, one day starting a legendary three hour convo, you saved me. Of course, that was also the day I finally understood that you would never be mine, but the torch still burned. The next day, Kita told me you were a jerk who I should stop thinking about. I found a best friend in her that day, and the same night the realisation struck me that I was in too deep. I was in love.
I went on to waste two more years on you, your inattention wearing my self-confidence away from the inside. I had little respect left for myself and almost no interest in boys. Its not really your fault. What was your fault was that even when I was glaringly apparent, you made no move to stop me. You made me run after 'the love of your life', convincing her to be with you, beacuse I couldn't bear to see you in pain. What was your fault I realy understood through somebody who did know you later. You were a player, used me and several others. I'm only grateful now that I never met you personally, lord knows whatelse I would have lost to you then. We even had a mutual friend, remember, the one who told me what you really thought of me.
The sad part is I never got free until the one after you showed up.
What makes you a right jerk, is that you've come back and forgotten who I was to you, or rather what I look like because you flirt shamelessly. You don't remeber me properly, your supposed "best camp friend".
You made me grow up, fast. I'm tentatively grateful. There is this life that you returned me to, for that a million thanks. But enough is enough, you are not a past I'll ever remember fondly, to you, from now till eternity, Goodbye.
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