I have rushed through two goodbyes today with two different set of people. I say rushed becasue I was late to both and both (at least to me) finished too fast, never mind one lasted about three hours.
I hate saying goodbye... more so than most people. I'm not bad at looking foward but I keep glancing back to make sure I didn't forget.
My school class I'm now slightly more detached to, it was a gang of girls from whom I'd been slowly seperating even when I was with them but still I got a visible lump in my throat when I walked away from them... I still want to walk into a class with them, simply because that's how it was and a class full of strange people doesn't look so nice now. But I must confess however much I adore the girls... it's not that scary to say goodbye, I'll stay in touch, vaguely.
The second one was considerably much worse... If you measure in real time I must have spent more time in school than I spent with my tution gang but... as we all agreed, it just couldn't be one year and some months ago that we'd met. Nah... we've been friends for ages....
These guys and they were mostly guys ,other than aastha of course, were well "my guys" for more than a year. I've discussed too much Atif Aslam, fantasy fiction, tie colours and life plans with them to walk away light hearted. I've slept on their shoulders, teased them, chased them, mothered them, flirted with them and loved them until I've gotten hell possesive. I have ,as one of them keeps teasing me, "mother wolf" tendencies for all of them. Two of them I'll unhesitantly call as my best friends, one of which I also call mine. They've watched me survive, they've witnessed me live and they've taken me in and... I can't be more thankful. I can't not wonder over and over again how they could have stood with me for as long as they have... I still have to say proper goodbyes to my two best friends but hell it feels strange...
We can't go back to Priya's again, it'll feel too awkward to go to the मातृभूमि without all of them. We can't not walk through there again without feeling that somebody is missing. I can never walk back there without at least one of them by my side. I chased someone across the complex... I've made someone do sit-ups in front of the cinema, I've sat for hours in Nirula's, I've ordered too many orders of ice-cream and shakes, I've... I've just done too much there.
To the guys who won't stumble here... I'll miss you like hell.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Confessions to my boyos 4
The mistake.
You were the most idiotic mistake I ever made. The first time I saw you, my eyes caught your face through tears. It was a nice face, I've admitted so much before, but I was more caught up with being alone, without friends, without love to care much about it. Later that week when I heard what school you were from I stopped all interest. The jerk was from your school, I wasn't so dumb as to pursue another one.
Much later, I found you and another classmate in the library. By now I was famous throughout class, I had made it so. I was loud-mouthed and as one of my friends loves to call it "bindaas". I was faking bravery and enjoying it. We all talked that day and from then on. I stuck around the next week to hear both of you practice in class, music flows in my veins and it's difficult to resist it's call. And that led to a strange tentative friendship which tightened, at least from my side, slowly with time. You were my non-girl company because for the first time, I was part of a "gang" of girls by myself. You were amusing but it was clear that you were very much in love with your girlfriend at the time, any one would be mad to fall for you.
Then that talent show... the one you bombed and I rocked in. Even though the high of the performance hadn't worn off, I hung around you to cheer you up. That break started the rumors which I found singularly hilarious, they were teasing me while I asked about the girlfriend. They thought we were something and I laughed like hell. I still talked with you and laughed with you and walked down the three floors with you. For the first time I didn't care for rumors. I liked you as a friend. Your general arrogance was a turn off.
Then again, we started talking online... stupid stupid stupid me upgraded you to best friend status. I slowly and idiotically started expecting you to be there and give a damn about me. even though I knew the one person you cared about was your self. Even on the day I finally got rid of the junior from my head, when I could barely hold myself up I helped you out because you were suffering from a bereavement of your own. When you promised one night that you'll play for my birthday I was convinced that you would. I think I fell for you sometime after that, while we were still talking at one in the night about stupid crazy stuff, even when I knew I should not. Even when I knew every single flaw.
That fight... I knew that prank was a prank, I knew about 15 minutes after it started that it was a prank, I let you go on with it in the hopes that being my "best friend" you will eventually give in. You didn't. on top of that you dragged in Kita, my friends matter a gazillion times more to me than my self and any other guy. I could not even look at you the next day.
Three months, three months I practically refused to acknowledge your presence, I refused to speak to you even when you sat behind me. I was so angry at myself. I was furious for caring so much.... and you told me in a round about way that "i never cared"... I practically starved myself from then on. I began to use this other friend of mine, pouring in all my friendship and care into him, talking for ages to him instead of you. When he finally perceived that there was something wrong, I confessed to him. He forgave me for using him and for his sake, I broke the fight.
But it was in vain, the friendship was lost no matter what I could do for it. Even when I gave your gag gift, it felt fake... It all stopped on my birthday, which you forgot... your only promise to me broke and with it, I realised that enough was enough...
I buried my skeletons, my friendship, my love... I had made the mistake of caring for you but now it was over... I got over you long ago, only it was on my birthday that I finally got rid of you from me. I lied to all the people who said I liked you, "I'd have to be seriously dumb to like him" I told them.
You helped my confidence in making friends with boys and when I finally had a set of friends, you made me lose my trust in the purity of friendship...I guess I can thank you for one thing, when I thought you had thrown me to ground, you simply threw me into the waiting arms of my first real love. Someone who let me be his and yet free, someone who caused me to break my fight with you, someone, who on my birthday, stood waiting like he'd been there forever, just for me. Thanks... for opening my eyes to him.
You were the most idiotic mistake I ever made. The first time I saw you, my eyes caught your face through tears. It was a nice face, I've admitted so much before, but I was more caught up with being alone, without friends, without love to care much about it. Later that week when I heard what school you were from I stopped all interest. The jerk was from your school, I wasn't so dumb as to pursue another one.
Much later, I found you and another classmate in the library. By now I was famous throughout class, I had made it so. I was loud-mouthed and as one of my friends loves to call it "bindaas". I was faking bravery and enjoying it. We all talked that day and from then on. I stuck around the next week to hear both of you practice in class, music flows in my veins and it's difficult to resist it's call. And that led to a strange tentative friendship which tightened, at least from my side, slowly with time. You were my non-girl company because for the first time, I was part of a "gang" of girls by myself. You were amusing but it was clear that you were very much in love with your girlfriend at the time, any one would be mad to fall for you.
Then that talent show... the one you bombed and I rocked in. Even though the high of the performance hadn't worn off, I hung around you to cheer you up. That break started the rumors which I found singularly hilarious, they were teasing me while I asked about the girlfriend. They thought we were something and I laughed like hell. I still talked with you and laughed with you and walked down the three floors with you. For the first time I didn't care for rumors. I liked you as a friend. Your general arrogance was a turn off.
Then again, we started talking online... stupid stupid stupid me upgraded you to best friend status. I slowly and idiotically started expecting you to be there and give a damn about me. even though I knew the one person you cared about was your self. Even on the day I finally got rid of the junior from my head, when I could barely hold myself up I helped you out because you were suffering from a bereavement of your own. When you promised one night that you'll play for my birthday I was convinced that you would. I think I fell for you sometime after that, while we were still talking at one in the night about stupid crazy stuff, even when I knew I should not. Even when I knew every single flaw.
That fight... I knew that prank was a prank, I knew about 15 minutes after it started that it was a prank, I let you go on with it in the hopes that being my "best friend" you will eventually give in. You didn't. on top of that you dragged in Kita, my friends matter a gazillion times more to me than my self and any other guy. I could not even look at you the next day.
Three months, three months I practically refused to acknowledge your presence, I refused to speak to you even when you sat behind me. I was so angry at myself. I was furious for caring so much.... and you told me in a round about way that "i never cared"... I practically starved myself from then on. I began to use this other friend of mine, pouring in all my friendship and care into him, talking for ages to him instead of you. When he finally perceived that there was something wrong, I confessed to him. He forgave me for using him and for his sake, I broke the fight.
But it was in vain, the friendship was lost no matter what I could do for it. Even when I gave your gag gift, it felt fake... It all stopped on my birthday, which you forgot... your only promise to me broke and with it, I realised that enough was enough...
I buried my skeletons, my friendship, my love... I had made the mistake of caring for you but now it was over... I got over you long ago, only it was on my birthday that I finally got rid of you from me. I lied to all the people who said I liked you, "I'd have to be seriously dumb to like him" I told them.
You helped my confidence in making friends with boys and when I finally had a set of friends, you made me lose my trust in the purity of friendship...I guess I can thank you for one thing, when I thought you had thrown me to ground, you simply threw me into the waiting arms of my first real love. Someone who let me be his and yet free, someone who caused me to break my fight with you, someone, who on my birthday, stood waiting like he'd been there forever, just for me. Thanks... for opening my eyes to him.
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